you have the right to remain relaxed

If we grade on a curve, I'm probably no more paranoid than the average human. OK, maybe a little more paranoid. (What are you looking at, exactly?) I was reminded of this point, the paranoid ranking index, yesterday morning when I was stopped by the POLICE for speeding on a little country-type road that I take to the internet factory. I was only going 45 in a 35, so it's not like I was crazy speeding, or careening, or naked and high on PCP, throwing my clothes out the window, screaming about JESUS. I was only marginally breaking the law on a beautiful summer morning. If you were to listen closely, you could hear bluebirds. (chirp.) After I saw the cruiser parked by the side of the road, it was too late, but I still tried to brake ever-so-slowly in an attempt to say (visually represent): "ok, I was a little bad, but hey, look at me now" ... but that seldom works and this morning was no time for exceptions. Blue lights. Sirens. I pull over. Paranoia. As the officer approached THE VEHICLE I started to look around in the glove compartment for my registration. That's where it usually is, and that's where it eventually was, but there was a frozen moment in time where I could sense the whole scene begin to unravel. How long before they began DNA matching. I'd have no choice but to LAYWER UP. Yes, I'm nuts. But I don't think it's against the law. Anyway, the copy was really pleasant. Any more pleasant and he would have been whistling. He takes my license and registration and goes back the cruiser to do whatever they do. Another paranoia spike. OK, so this is when it will happen. It happens all the time. Why not now? Mistaken identity. Identity theft. Court TV. Jailhouse memoirs. But no. He just gave me a warning. A warning, can you believe it? I don't think I've ever got a warning. He says, "we're out here giving out warnings today ... the ticket would have been 150 bucks, but you can use money and put it in your tank ... have a nice day." So there you have it. An extremely cordial run-in with the law. I gotta stop being so crazy/paranoid. (And you gotta stop staring at me. I'm serious.)

the bump where the tail should be

Some people have jobs that require meetings. Other people are not so luckly. Plumbers don't have meetings. They plumb. Carpenters don't sit around and discuss what they are going to do, maybe, and how, perhaps; they just build stuff. "Bert, we've been hitting the nails with the big end of the hammer for as long as I can remember ... have we overlooked the small end ... wait, hear me out." But some jobs apparently do require discussion and communication. Unfortunately, from my experience, we've only mastered raw jabbering. On a good day. Since meetings accomplish very little, we must learn to enjoy them for the subplots. At a recent session to discuss lord knows what, someone said "we will use templates for the pages." All well and good, but "template" was pronounced "tem-plate" ... you know, like a temporary plate. This caught my interest. Clearly that was wrong. Right? Moments later, someone across the table - let's call him Dave - replied: "Yes, Larry, using templates is a good idea." Pronounced tem-plet. Ah, better. The score was now even and I went back to doodling. But Larry took the bait. "Oh, TEM-PLATES are definitely the way to go, there's no question!" Dave leaned forward. "TEM-PLET-IZATION IS KEY!" The volley continued for 10 minutes with others joining in, taking sides. When the dust settled, I believe the final score was tem-plate 10, tem-plet 8. Sounds like we need another meeting. Tem-plet.

the mean shall inherit the ends

Today at work someone said "we need to start using the 7 principles of motivation that FOX News uses ... they're the best." Uttered without a speck of irony. Yes, that's where we are. Check your maps. Making the dog jump is the only important thing, even if that means installing the electric grate. Do you know? Tune in at 11 to find out! Doctors now say that it's one of the worst diseases imaginable ... and there are NO symptoms! Do you have it? Saying "no" could mean "yes!" Find out! What is your family pet really thinking? Learn the 12 warning signs that could save your life! Is rain on the way? Can angels really cure cancer? Will your loved ones eventually die? What's that sound in the basement? Find out! Now! Yes, by all means. Let's encourage that. We need more of that. Lordy, our blessed CLICK THROUGH RATES will skyrocket. Then we can celebrate by hunting each other for food. Don't know how? Find out!

procrastination station - all aboard

I wanted to avoid the "today I bought milk and the creepy guy at the mini-mart looked like that guy from that movie that had what's her name from the TV show with the teenage witches ... " I didn't want that. As entertaining as that is, and I read many blogs that do just that, and really well, I just can't bring myself to do it. It's too much of the diary thing. Which I think can be tremendously entertaining at the same time that it is really sort of sad. I thought it might be better to think about what I was going to say before I plooked it down. More thought, less stream of all things me. But - and I should have know this - that is much harder, and much harder equals more effort, and more effort equals might as well be work, and might as well be work translates to ... uh ... work. Which means I tend to avoid it. So that's the thing.